Four cheeks are better than two.

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Imagine this: you come home from a long day at work. The couch is there. It looks at you. You look at it. Cue romantic Little Mermaid “Kiss the Girl” music. This is what you’ve been waiting for. You dive onto the couch, not planning to move for at least 10 minutes. Your booty lands first. Ah oww! The moment you land is the moment you’re back up again- adjusting the sting that just slipped into your nether regions out of reach…

If we were to gather up the men of America and give them two minutes to decide which article of women’s clothing should be confiscated, piled up and burned, they would (in 20 seconds of perfunctory discussion) unanimously agree on “The Granny Panty.” Now I’m not just singling out the old school silky nude or crisp white ones that reach the navel- popularized by grannies everywhere. No, I mean they would destroy them all. Now, to be clear, I am a huge fan of the Hanes Her Way. I mean, what’s not to like? The girls on the commercials always look young and cute. Now they’ve begun making modern colors and prints. Does a man appreciate that at least they aren’t the big silky ones? Absolutely not.

Don’t get me wrong dear reader: there is nothing more obscene than vpl (visible panty lines); it draws attention to your booty, and even worse- as the title suggests, it gives you four cheeks instead of two. Everything in moderation, right? Some people are struggling to achieve just one (or should I say two). One is a bit stoic.  As you know, I want to be a lady and I’d love to say that no one’s ever caught me in such a state of four cheeks….I will not lie to you. I do appreciate a good seamless silhouette, and I strive for it but…

If any of you have spent any time wearing men’s briefs, then you understand the injustice of our system. Goodness they just keep making them cozier all the time. As for the ladies, our undergarments will soon consist of one peel-and- stick triangular piece of cotton. Disposable. I’m not proposing we get rid of the string by any means, but by George, if I want to keep a handful of grannies for days I need some comfort (physical and emotional) well…that’s what grannies are for, aren’t they?

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1 comments on “Four cheeks are better than two.”

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