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Sh*t My Students Say

Just a few years back, I decided, out of sheer astonishment, to start writing down some of the (things) my students were saying. And because I am a scatterbrain, I eventually lost the paper that had been recording them. I found that paper recently. It’s one raindrop in the ocean of ridiculous statements and questions that teachers face everyday, but I might as well share this fragment. Enjoy America’s future everybody. My gift to you.

************

“So, uh, do we just do what the instructions on the paper say?”

“I’m sorry, but how do you write a diagnostic essay? I don’t know if they taught me that.”

“So, when the prompt says, ‘Write to your teacher’ does that mean I should be writing to you?”

Teacher: For your warm-up, I want you to write the meanings of your vocabulary words, without using your notes.

Student: Can we use a dictionary?

Student: Can we use our phones?

Teacher: No phones.

Student: Can we listen to music on our phones?

This one was donated to me by a history teacher.

Teacher: So, to review. They came over on the…?

Students: (blank stares at image of Mayflower projected onto the board)

Teacher: The May…..

Student: June!

*

Remember that say, ‘There’s no such thing as a stupid question.’ It’s stupid. 

 

 

 

38 thoughts on “Sh*t My Students Say”

  2. This is hilarious! I can’t lie, I’ve used the “I don’t know if they taught me that.” While I was in high school lol. But honestly I didn’t go to the greatest school, so we didn’t have the greatest teachers.

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    1. We were all using some type o excuse, that’s for sure. They start lying just in case they did something wrong lol.

      I know that I felt like I was playing catch up in college. There were just some things we didn’t study and lots of other students had. Sucks.

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  5. Hahaha! These are classic! Thank you Lyz for sharing them. Even though the student comments, answers, attitudes, confusion and/or curiosity can momentarily be ‘frustrating’ for us educators, the rewards are eternally fulfilling! They are what make us return every school year.

    And you know, the students often teach ME some wonderful life-lessons too! 😛 ❤

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      1. I would never lose that kind of stuff. It would be in my stationery box of precious items. I have a pepper spray story which ain’t that pretty. I it sprayed it on a lizard in the rooms I rented when I was working in Delhi. For some reason I could not open the doors and window, so I choked till I thought my lungs would squeeze themselves out of my mouth and pop out. At the end of it, the lizard was fine. Needless to say, the pepper spray did not turn out to be a keeper.

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        1. Oh. my. goodness. That’s a hilarious story! Talk about overkill, you almost killed yourself 🙂 But I totally get it. Lizards in my room are my absolute nightmare. I probably would’ve locked myself into the bathtub and slept in the tub.

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          1. In India, lizards are a common resident in each house. Almost a creepy extension of the family *shivers. It is not uncommon for an errant one to land on your shoulders and the myth is that it can make you a king! Talk about gender bias. Anyway, you have to find yourself a room with a bath if you do find yourself in India at any point. That’s just the short of it.

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            1. Oh, I’d be screaming every day if that’s the case. I’ve had one land on me before and I have not received my kingdom– Queendom– yet. Maybe it’s still coming. Number one on my list of India travels is a room with a bath.

              Liked by 1 person

            2. There you go. We all need perspective. Or did I just successfully put you off travelling to India? But I cannot and shall not lie about lizards. I am a woman of principles and I am yet to transform into a queen (not king please) despite having a fat one plop onto my shoulder.

              Liked by 1 person

  7. OMG, you have no idea what I’ve been through with students. Once a 15-year-old told me that she didn’t get enough sleep. I asked her what time she used to go to bed and she said 10 p.m. I asked her what time she woke up and she said 7 a.m. I answered “That’s not so bad, you sleep for 9 hours” and her answer “No, I sleep for like a minute. I go to sleep and immediately wake up, I can’t even remember sleeping. The people on the other side where it’s sunny must do their things much faster than we do, that’s why it goes by so quickly”. WTF do you answer to that?

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    1. Cheila, Cheila, haha, I can imagine very well. We get all sorts of people coming through our classrooms, don’t we? Teaching is also a studying of human beings, I think. We’ve got the full catalog!

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  8. Ha ha ha. Teachers rock. I mean, they are able to put up with different types of students.
    This is hilarious! I remember using the they’ve never taught us line even when I clearly know they have. 😀 😀 And don’t get me started on the pranks… on teachers that are annoying. Superglue… 😉

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      1. Maybe you’re too tolerable. As in you don’t get on their nerves. My primary teacher got on our nerves a lot so we pranked him a lot too. From supergluing him to his chair for a day… to putting mild sleeping pills in his beverage to spilling ink over his notes…and the list goes on.

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        1. Whaaat?! You guys were insane! It’s like right out of the movies. Unfortunately, my students like me a lot, lol. Maybe I should start dropping some hints to my students that pranks make good stories and i love good stories.

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          1. We still are! One teacher who hadn’t heard about our legacy tried to be all bossy and mean. Nobody attended her classes for a week. And since teachers enjoy what they do, she had to sober up to get back that privilege.
            And yeah, maybe we watched too much movies. 😛
            Yes, yes. And I pray you survive to tell those stories! 😀

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            2. 😀 😀
              That may be true. But even Robinson Crusoe (dunno if I spelled it well) stands the chance of NOT surviving an attack of NOTORIOUS kids. 😛 😛

              Liked by 1 person

  9. When my eighth graders read “The Random of Red Chief” I assign a writing prompt that asks my students if the two characters in the story ought to be prosecuted for their actions. One year I had a very sweet and innocent girl write a very nice essay in response to this prompt, except she spelled “prosecuted” as “prostituted” throughout the whole thing. Another time, my drama club was making large paper set pieces for a play. One of the girls was cutting out a bush. Suddenly she started singing, “I’m trimming my bush, I’m trimming my bush.” After I got my laughing to myself under control, I pulled her aside and explained exactly what that is slang for. Oh dear!

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    1. Oh my goodness, you’ve got amazing material! And you get to teach drama, that’s awesome. I remember reading that story with my students. It’s so cute. I tell you, teachers should be assembling this stuff in a database!

      Like

      Reply
  10. Pingback: Have You Met Lyz? – lifeofangela
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