Talk Like a Lady

I know you probably haven’t met me in person, but if you had, I could probably ask you that question in the title and you’d probably have an answer for me. The reason for this? I’m pretty damn sure I have an inner ear problem because I apparently can’t not talk loudly.

According to various sources– some near and some far away– I am always the loudest person in the room. I’m 2-3 decibels above any and everyone. The crying baby in the corner? What baby? I hear no baby, just this loud woman. The tantrum-throwing toddler? The music-blasting teenager? The freight train? Nope. Nothing. All I can hear is this loud lady.

I am that loud lady. You know how when you’re in a loud room and you’re speaking at max volume so that your friend can hear you and then the stars align and all noise stops at once and you’re left screaming mid-sentence something like, “So yeah, my vagina hairs now look like…. Oh hell.”

That situation happens to be me on a regular basis. Except, of course, that there’s no loud room full of people and all noise doesn’t stop at once. The revelation that I’m talking way too loudly tends to hit me when a friend jerks his head back as if he’s just been smacked in the face and asks me “Why are you talking so loud?!” As he is saying this, I am usually ignorantly mid-sentence. Suddenly my ears come into focus and I realize that I have, in fact,  been talking like he was across the room. I’m blaming this all on an inner ear problem.

A few years ago a friend of mine, knowing my love of books (and old ones especially) found and gifted me an etiquette book from the 1950s. Because I wanted to be a lady I thought, here is an answer. I will study this book and walk about this earth with such an air of grace and sophistication that people will say:

“I admire her quiet dignity.”

“She is so gentle, yet somehow powerful…”

“Boy, she sure has grace and sophistication.”

One particular chapter about a woman’s demeanor and comportment stated that a lady should never speak above a whisper. Her voice should never be raised, just audible enough to be comfortably heard. Well damn, I pretty much raise my voice with the introduction of any emotion. Excitement; I get loud. Surprise; loud. Tears or laughter; loud.

But I was determined to be a new kind of woman. To scrub the old Eliza Doolittle off. It actually lasted a few days. The whole world seemed more calm because I was a restful sea and conversations were boats gently rocking on my surface. I was a lullaby and words the substance of that lullaby. I was a warm slice of toast and sounds were the room-temperature butter spread over my body. (Okay, that last one sounds creeper-y). Frankly, I was so calm I practically put myself to sleep. But overall, it was a lovely and worthwhile experience.

Maybe one day I’ll try that again. Bravo to the gentle, quiet ladies and gentlemen for your sophistication and grace. The world is loud enough. We need you guys.

Me? I wanna be a lady.


29 thoughts on “Talk Like a Lady

  1. I am that loud lady too! I blame it on my mom, not my inner ear. We regularly tell mom to quiet down, and I unfortunately inherited the voluminous trait.

    I dream of being poised, yet here I am boisterous. The struggle is real!

    Liked by 2 people

      1. That reminds me, another obnoxious-voice-person problem: constantly having to say, “I’m not angry, I’m not yelling. I’m just talking loud.” Gahhh lol, pair that with my resting b**** face and I’m such a grump 😂


  2. My sister is the same way and everyone still adores her as we all adore you! With the title of this post I was expecting some story like mine haha I have enlarged cryptic tonsils that’ve caused me issues for quite some time now- one of them being multiple laryngitis episodes which rendered me mute!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh my goodness, poor girl. I’ve considered taking a small vow of silence. It’s said to have lots of positive benefits. Did you find anything good from not being able to speak? I’m just curious!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I found that it’s very hard to keep up conversation with someone speaking and then you trying to type out words for your phone to say in time to respond to the other person! But it made me realize (even more) how sweet my boyfriend is cause he missed my voice

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Ha!!! I’m right there with you. I am LOUD, but I hate for people to not speak up. Mumbling works my nerves. I never really thought about it being tonsils or inner ear issues. My youngest son has inner ear problems, but he speaks entirely too softly and has a hard time getting his needs met at school and elsewhere because nobody can hear him. Anyway… from one loud mouth to another, I suppose it’s good to be aware of volume, but some people can’t handle women who express themselves and want to shut them up. Just my two cents. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello fellow loud mouth! I have no idea why I’m always so loud. I never try to be loud! Oh, mumbling is the worst. Ugh. But I can see how being soft spoken can be an issue at school as they are hot beds for who can be the loudest and most obnoxious lol. I do find that when quiet students actually get attention people listen more because their voices aren’t so played out

      Liked by 1 person

        1. We should make it our Ladylike Challenge. For the next week, don’t speak above a whisper unless it’s necessary to get ugly, for example with the phone company because they always have it coming

          Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh never you mind your volume; the loud ones are fun! 😛 As for me, I have found that I am louder than I want to be when it is time to be quiet, but quieter than I want to be when I want to be loud. So I think that my issue is that I have a regular voice, but no ability to use it appropriately. Oh well, if we all whispered daintily, life would be way too boring!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes, how sad right? 16 years of teaching and I should be LOUD! I actually think my yelling ability took a hit when I had surgery on my thyroid a few years back. It clearly had no affect on my faulty indoor voice though 😆

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Teaching had only worsened it for me. I’m always talking like there’s a huge classroom full of students in front of me LOL. What a crazy coincidence that I was just talking to my cousin tonight and she was telling me that she had her thyroid worked on

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Haha! My biggest teacher take away is that I always want to blow my whistle when kids get crazy. Random kids getting rowdy at Disneyland? Dang, where’s my whistle? My boys are getting wild at home? Dang, where’s my whistle? 😆 Maybe that is the real reason my yelling diminished, because I replaced yelling with the playground whistle!

            Thyroid surgery is crazy. Really not bad though. And possibly not uncommon. After mine, I started noticing people with scars on their necks. What did your cousin have done?

            Liked by 2 people

            1. At our middle school, one of the teachers is always blowing his whistle, even in the classroom. It’s pretty hilarious. That whistle took away your voice projection training.

              She told me that they gave her an option to take pills to shrink her overactive thyroid. But apparently the does were too strong and now she is without a thyroid and has to take other medication for that now. The doctor has since lost his practice! Crazy, right?

              Liked by 1 person

            2. Oh my gosh, that is terrible! Good that he has lost his practice though, if he is prescribing so poorly with such major consequences for patients.

              I had half of mine removed due to a big, fat cyst (yeah, okay, it was a goiter 😛 ) that would not go away. I was really stubborn and waited like 6 years to let them take it out. During the last couple of years, almost all of my pictures are with my head turned to hide the lump–pretty silly!

              Haha! I always threaten to blow the whistle in the classroom. Rarely do it, but it always makes the kids freeze and plug their ears 🙂

              Liked by 1 person

  5. Lol! I am the exact opposite of this. It takes too much energy to speak loudly, and I am too laid back to exert the energy required to yell…unless you get on my last damn nerve! Lol! My sons suffer from selective hearing and my husband from hard of hearing, and I have a pet peeve about repeating myself. Needless to say, they all get on my last nerve!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hahaha, I know all about that selective hearing. I think it’s been going around because my kids have got it too. I always say I need more energy, but now I realized it’s going to my voice. Wth. Teach me your ways.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. lolol… this was funny as hell…ahem… I beg your pardon…this was delightfully entertaining… I grew up hearing
    “that’s not ladylike” so much If I didn’t know better I’d think it was my name…

    Liked by 1 person

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