Hopped Up On Despair

You can find the audio version here.

Do I have what it takes? Can I make things happen? Should I turn back to what I know? How do I survive? Will I live?

Breathe in

Breathe out.

This is not my writing. This doesn’t skip along with jokes tossed in. This is slow moving and laborious. This is ugly and dirty-bellied. This is dragging on the floor and pulling along. This is red hands and wrestling. This is heavy empty spaces. This is nauseous waves rising. This is an almost drowning but not quite there. This is yearning for the ending just to know what happens. This is rattling terror and what am I thinking? What am I doing? How can I be? Free.

Breathe in

Breathe out.

And because the eyes burn and the muscles squeeze into each other, they won’t let anything go.

Breathe in

Breathe out.

Because I fear shadows and the shadow is me. Because I hold things tightly and they choke and die. Because I don’t know how much water to add, how much? How much? Is this right? Am I doing it right? Someone please tell me if I’m doing it right? Because it’s all colored grey and it’s neither here nor there. Because of fear. Because of fear. Because of I guess that’s it, and that’s all folks, and thank you for listening to this tragic tale and let that be a lesson to you and everything is clearly spelled out we’ve put in the work we created a formula there’s no reason why this should happen to anyone.

Breathe in

Breathe out.

Holding my breath gives me control.

Holding it. Reset my mind. Reset. Reset. I said reset. Stupid thing. Stupid everything. There’s the think positive. Be positive. See positive. Positive is coming. It’s coming. It’s here, wait no that wasn’t it but I can feel it in the air like rain before its coming. I love how rain does that. There’s something positive in all of this. The word love just decided to show up. Who knew?

It’s making me uncomfortable.

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Just like the tides of the sea, our sense of being able to handle the challenges that present themselves in our lives rises and falls. It’s normal to some days feel like we’re conquering and some days feel like we’re drowning. It happens. We’re all going through these waves of emotion, and everyone doesn’t have everything figured out. You’re not alone. Breathe in. Hold it. Breathe out.

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My name is Lyz-Stephanie and I want to inspire you to be more connected to yourself and the world, to find beauty in simple pleasures, and to have more adventures. Every day we can do something to make our lives happier and richer, make our minds more active and engaged. I’m on the journey. Will you join me?