Morning Breath and Scheming parenting humor

Morning Breath and Scheming

You’ve seen those television shows where the woman wakes up before her husband, tiptoes to the bathroom, does her hair and makeup then slips quietly back into bed and feigns waking up gorgeous and put together?

Morning Breath and Scheming parenting humor

I’m sure my kids have their own sick version of that trick. While I lay peacefully asleep, they’re whispering in the dark, morning breath carrying sordid plots. Before their eyes are fully open they’re hashing out the day’s argument quota. Some mornings the number is high, sometimes it’s lower; but it’s always above what makes fucking sense. I don’t know if there’s a system for choosing the day’s quota of arguments. I don’t know anything at al; I’m just a victimized parent. Scratch that, I do know something. I know that they’re efficient, effective, committed little workers for the cause. They only look innocent.


What normally happens is this: We’re in a situation that involves no foreseeable reasons to argue, absolutely none; invariably someone fans a flame I didn’t know existed and a full blown argument erupts, blazing through my peaceful state, frying my nerves. Unlike everything else fried, fried nerves are not delicious.

On mornings when I’ve made an especially trashy dinner the night before, they aim to break records. And break me. I’m sure of it. Me breaking looks a lot like me hiding. I’m not ashamed. They don’t need me. If they’re grown enough to make a grown woman cry, they’re grown enough to fend for themselves.

That’s my rant. I’ll be in my room with the internet.

If you love the desperations of parenting as it relates to someone else, then also check out:

The Window Seat and Parenthood for the sacrifices they never prepare you for.

Please Forest, Save My Boy! for the times when your inner Hulk wants to destroy everything.

A Natural Parent for times when one of these things is not like the other and one of these things is you.

Grumpy Mom because it’s not a lovely Instagram feed out here. It’s brutal and panties get the sniff test and feelings get hurt.

Sh*t My Students Say for a shocking behind the scenes glimpse into what parents are really creating.

Hey Ladies, it would mean the world to me if you checked my  Instagram page and hit follow. It’s real pretty over there. 🙂

I almost forgot, don’t forget that this Friday I’ll be back on Instagram Live for another episode of Lady Talks (More Fun Than It Sounds). Check IG for updates!

My name is Lyz-Stephanie and I want to inspire you to be more connected to yourself and the world, to find beauty in simple pleasures, and to have more adventures. Every day we can do something to make our lives happier and richer, make our minds more active and engaged. I’m on the journey. Will you join me?


16 thoughts on “Morning Breath and Scheming

    1. I find that so freaking incredible! 30 years?! On their next anniversary you all should get together and create some type of award for her. A little plaque or something for Most committed to never looking like crap (or like a normal woman).

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks my sweetheart 💜 Honestly, idk. I’m not the most efficient of moms. I take lots of breathing breaks, lol. No, they’re such good kids though. I like to complain but they take things fairly easy on me. 😊 Also, when I had both of them I panicked wondering how in the hell I was going to do it. Bit it’s kind of like when a bear is running after you…

      Liked by 1 person

  1. You’re killing me! Now I know why my kids sneak into each other’s rooms first thing in the morning. I thought it was brotherly love, but no. Scheming for sure. 🙂 And you are not alone, my friend. Yesterday’s argument quota for my boys was at like 867, and I spent the day praying for bedtime to hurry the heck up!

    Liked by 1 person

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