Morning Breath and Scheming

You’ve seen those television shows where the woman wakes up before her husband, tiptoes to the bathroom, does her hair and makeup then slips quietly back into bed and feigns waking up gorgeous and put together?

I’m sure my kids have their own sick version of that trick. While I lay peacefully asleep, they’re whispering in the dark, morning breath carrying sordid plots. Before their eyes are fully open they’re hashing out the day’s argument quota. Some mornings the number is high, sometimes it’s lower; but it’s always above what makes fucking sense. I don’t know if there’s a system for choosing the day’s quota of arguments. I don’t know anything at al; I’m just a victimized parent. Scratch that, I do know something. I know that they’re efficient, effective, committed little workers for the cause. They only look innocent.

What normally happens is this: We’re in a situation that involves no foreseeable reasons to argue, absolutely none; invariably someone fans a flame I didn’t know existed and a full blown argument erupts, blazing through my peaceful state, frying my nerves. Unlike everything else fried, fried nerves are not delicious.

On mornings when I’ve made an especially trashy dinner the night before, they aim to break records. And break me. I’m sure of it. Me breaking looks a lot like me hiding. I’m not ashamed. They don’t need me. If they’re grown enough to make a grown woman cry, they’re grown enough to fend for themselves.

That’s my rant. I’ll be in my room with the internet.

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If you love the desperations of parenting as it relates to someone else, then also check out:

The Window Seat and Parenthood for the sacrifices they never prepare you for.

Please Forest, Save My Boy! for the times when your inner Hulk wants to destroy everything.

A Natural Parent for times when one of these things is not like the other and one of these things is you.

Grumpy Mom because it’s not a lovely Instagram feed out here. It’s brutal and panties get the sniff test and feelings get hurt.

Sh*t My Students Say for a shocking behind the scenes glimpse into what parents are really creating.

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I almost forgot, don’t forget that this Friday I’ll be back on Instagram Live for another episode of Lady Talks (More Fun Than It Sounds). Check IG for updates!

My name is Lyz-Stephanie and I want to inspire you to be more connected to yourself and the world, to find beauty in simple pleasures, and to have more adventures. Every day we can do something to make our lives happier and richer, make our minds more active and engaged. I’m on the journey. Will you join me?